


The Handy How-To Guide

by goingtothetardis



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: A uniquely human experience, Based on a post I saw, Did I mention this is crack?, F/M, Fairly cracky, Masturbation, Rose teaches the Doctor how to wank, Suggesting that humans are the only creatures in the universe to masturbate, Voyeurism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-17
Updated: 2018-10-17
Packaged: 2019-08-03 07:19:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,774
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16321664
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goingtothetardis/pseuds/goingtothetardis
Summary: When the Doctor walks in on Rose partaking in a uniquely human experience, she encourages him to indulge his own innate scientific curiosity.And who can blame her? She's only human.





	The Handy How-To Guide

**Author's Note:**

> Aimtoallonsy and I were having a chat a few days ago, and she sent me [this delightful post](https://berlynn-wohl.tumblr.com/post/134947673098/prokopetz-ruingaraf-prokopetz-ill-be) and suggested it would make a great fic. 
> 
> Well, of course my muse decided to bite on this, and we spent the next several minutes shooting ideas back and forth until I finally gave in and just wrote the damn fic. 
> 
> Thanks to Aimtoallonsy/Crazygirlne for the beta and feedback. I've gone through the fic since she read it, so all mistakes are mine!

Rose sighs, sleepily leaning into her pillow as she works her fingers between her legs. She’s far too tired for any other kind of stimulation after the adventure she and the Doctor shared earlier in the day, but she needs some sort of release before falling asleep. So, fingers it is. 

As her fingers slide through the growing slickness and circle her clit, Rose imagines the Doctor donning his sexy specs and jutting out his bloody distracting lower lip while solving a problem. She’s gotten off to  _ that _ particular image multiple times, and after a few brushes over her clit, she feels her orgasm quickly building. 

Rose pants softly, pretending it’s the Doctor’s fingers on her now, and just as she’s about ready to crash over the edge, the door to her room crashes open with a bang and the alien currently in the focus of her thoughts bounds inside. 

“Rose! I just had the most  _ brilliant _ idea! After you finish your–” The Doctor stops abruptly in his tracks and looks at Rose, a quizzical expression on his handsome face as she squeaks loudly in surprise and quickly throws the duvet over her legs to hide her… activity.

_ Of course, _ he has to come barging in  _ right now, _ just as she’d been about to… Her clit twinges gently, reminding her of her unfinished task, and Rose growls in frustration at the Doctor. She attempts to indiscreetly wipe her fingers off on the sheets below the duvet.

“Haven’t we talked about knocking?” she asks, perhaps a bit rude, but she’s still frustratingly one step short of an orgasm. 

The Doctor, unmoving from the place he’d stopped in his tracks, tugs at his ear. “Erhm, yes, but you see, there’s this–”

“Doctor,” Rose warns. 

He snaps his mouth shut and moves his hand to scratch the back of his neck in a sheepish gesture. After a moment, however, he squints at Rose and studies her in bed. 

“What are you doing?” he asks.

_ God,  _ he _ cannot  _ be asking this question. Rose shifts her legs together and wonders if she looks guilty about something. “Nothin,’” she says after a moment.

“No, you were doing something. Rose? What are you hiding?” The look he gives her is so endearing that she sighs in defeat and blows a few stray hairs out of her face. 

Face flaming red, Rose says, “You know what I was doin.’”

The Doctor’s eyebrows knit together in confusion. “Actually, Rose, I don’t.” 

Rose gapes at him for a moment. “Are you having me on, Doctor?”

“Rose, I promise. I don’t know what you were doing.”

Certain she’s the exact shade of a red tomato, Rose averts her gaze and studies the space just to the right of the Doctor. “I was havin’ a wank.”

At the Doctor’s continued clueless look, Rose wishes the floor would open up and eat her. “What, you’ve never wanked before? Masturbated?” 

_ God, _ what  _ is _ this conversation?

The Doctor’s face brightens in comprehension.  _ Finally. _

“Oh!  _ Masturbation,” _ he says, drawing out the word with lengthy enunciation. “‘The stimulation of one’s own genitals to orgasm.’ Why would I do that?”

Rose chokes on a nervous bark of laughter. “You can’t be serious,” she says, her voice squeaking as she tries to contain herself. 

“It’s a very human thing to do, isn’t it? Of all the species I’ve encountered, masturbation is one activity specific only to humans,” he explains.

“What, really?” Rose asks, curious, despite the situation. “So you’ve never… wanked?”

“No,” the Doctor says. Then, eyes, brightening, he asks, “Should I?”

Rose takes it back. She wishes the floor would open up and eat her right  _ now. _

“Well, why not?” she asks, fiddling with the hem of her duvet. “Feels good. Might help you relax.”

“How does one, er, have a good wank?” the Doctor asks, shifting from one foot to the other. 

Oh, fuck, she has to  _ explain  _ it to him? 

“I thought you were a proper doctor. Don’t you know about this? You should know how your body works better than I can explain it,” she says. 

The Doctor sniffs. “Learning the procedure is different than actually putting it into practice, Rose. Time Lords don’t masturbate, so I’m asking for practical information from my human friend.” 

Ah, well, of course. It’s all clear, now. Rose rolls her eyes and resigns herself to this conversation, one she’d never in a million years thought she’d ever have with the  _ Doctor,  _ of all people. Where’s Jack Harkness when she needs him?

“Fine, I’ll tell you. Well, usually I wank when I need to blow off some steam. It helps me relax and sleep better. Plus, it feels good,” she pauses, willing away her furiously red face. “It feels  _ really _ good.”

“How do  _ you _ do it?” the Doctor asks, the interest on his face clinical and detached, which makes it easier for Rose to continue.  

“I have toys, an’ they do the job, but my hands usually do the job best.” She waves at him with the hand that had just been stroking between her legs. “Just think of someone you’re attracted to, someone you want to shag, or whatever you Time Lords do when you need to get off” – she desperately tries not to think about  _ who _ the Doctor might want to shag – “and, well, just start touching yourself.

“And, um, change things up if it doesn’t feel good. Adjust your position, the pressure, the speed. As long as it feels good, it doesn’t really matter. Everyone’s a bit different though, so you just have to find what your own bits like.” 

As she speaks, Rose can’t help but push her hand under the duvet again and tease the curls between her legs. A quick investigation shows she’s still very wet, and she throws back a head with a quiet moan of pleasure when her finger brushes over her very neglected clit. 

Out of the corner of her eye, the Doctor swallows heavily, and his apparent interest in the matter shifts from the clinical detachment to something more… predatory and wanting.

“I could show you, if you want,” she says suddenly, brazenly meeting the Doctor’s gaze. For a moment, Rose feels as though she’s having an out of body experience. She’s never been one to volunteer the opportunity of voyeurism, but right now with the Doctor and the way he’s looking at her, it feels very right. 

“For your scientific interest, that is,” she adds, when he doesn’t say anything after a long moment.

“Well,” the Doctor says, drawing out the word and staring at her like he’s never done before. “If it’s for science.”

Meeting his gaze, Rose flips the duvet cover off her legs and flushes deeply as his gaze wanders down her body and focuses on where her fingers work between her folds. She closes her eyes, only able to handle so much, and loses herself in the moment. 

Before long, she’s back on the precipice, and she fucks herself with her fingers a few times before devoting all her energy to her clit. Within seconds, Rose falls over the edge, and her eyes fly open to watch the Doctor as pleasure courses through her veins. When the last of the shudders have left her body, Rose brings her fingers to her mouth and sucks off her juices. 

The Doctor’s eyes widen further in shock, and Rose briefly lets her gaze flick to his crotch. Much to her disappointment, he appears rather unaffected, but knowing the Doctor, maybe his trousers are bigger on the inside. 

“Was that a good enough demonstration?” she asks, casually flipping the duvet back over herself. 

“Yes!” the Doctor squeaks, then clears his throat. “Yes, that was… You know, I just remembered something I have to fix on the console. I’ll… We can talk about my idea tomorrow.” The Doctor spins on his plimsolls and practically runs out of her room.  

Rose smirks, but as the events of the last several minutes course through her mind, she falls back to her pillow in horror. “Oh, God. What have I done?”

* * *

The next day, Rose meets the Doctor at the console. She’d worked through her feelings of horror during the night and consoled herself with the knowledge that the Doctor  _ had _ seemed rather interested in the whole ordeal. It’s not like he’d forced her to show him. No, she’d done that all on her own.

One thought, however, has niggled her throughout the night and continues to consume her thoughts. 

“So, did you wank?” she asks, biting back a grin. She’s asking out of pure curiosity, of course.

The Doctor flushes – really, properly flushes – from his ears to the skin of his neck, and she smirks. 

“You did, didn’t you?” She knows she’s goading him, but really, he’d done the same to her the previous evening. It’s only fair. 

“I may have conducted certain… experimentation,” the Doctor admits, turning away from her amused gaze to fiddle with something on the console. 

“I knew it!” Rose crows, triumphant. And before she can stop herself… “So did you have some help getting off? Is there anyone in particular you fancy?” She doesn’t want to admit that a tiny voice inside her head suggests that it could be a certain blonde French aristocrat. A larger part of her, however, can’t contain the hope that it’s herself the Doctor fancies.  

“Oh, that doesn’t matter,” the Doctor replies, his voice airy and smooth as he spins around the console. 

Rose follows, familiar with his avoidance tactics, and sidles up to him to rest her chin on his shoulder. “Please, Doctor?” she wheedles, knowing he can’t resist her when she does this.

The Doctor sighs in resignation. “Fine.” He fiddles a moment longer with a button. “You… may have starred in the fantasies fueling my experimentation.” The words rush out of his mouth so fast, Rose almost misses his admission. 

Rose smiles and steps back. “Well, good, cos I think of  _ you _ every time I wank.” 

When the Doctor meet her gaze, his eyes wide and surprised, she winks. “An’ I wank  _ a lot.” _

The Doctor’s jaw drops open in shock, and he moves it uselessly for several moments before snapping it shut.

“Rose Tyler,” he says, and the sound of his voice all gravely and low, sends a rush of heat straight to her core. 

“There’s a hands on demonstration commencing in 5 microspans,” Rose says, using some of the technobabble she’s heard the Doctor use on multiple occasions. “In my bedroom, if you want,” she adds, before walking away from him without a second glance. 

She has no doubt he’ll follow.

**Author's Note:**

> Find me at goingtothetardis.tumblr.com!! (And at pillowfort!)
> 
> Note: I'm generally fairly picky about crack I read regarding the Doctor's knowledge of sexual exploits. But I can see him knowing about masturbation and the mechanics of it but not really _truly_ understanding why humans do it. That helped me to write this little story. I hope you enjoy it!


End file.
